Weekend of Debauchery

This week was a real test.

I think I passed--but just barely. Maybe just kind of.

Whatever remorse I may feel is being assuaged right now by my pup Keema pressed up tight against me, sleeping. I think she missed me!

So this past week I spent a couple of days in NYC for work, and then went to a bachelorette party in New Hampshire. I am so tired...

In NYC, I took it pretty easy because the weather was cold and grey. I went out for Ethiopian the first night, and tried to take it easy on the injera (but I definitely had some). Then I had sushi the second day, but only ordered one roll with rice; they had one roll wrapped in thinly sliced cucumber, and it was amazing! I was starving for dinner, which is what I wanted; and then I ate a whole pizza!

I tried to really savor it, and pay attention to how I felt, both right afterward and the next day. Not much to report at all. Didn't feel super tired or roller-coastery afterwards.

The next day, right before I went home on the train, I went to the "Amish Market" and bought myself a little smorgasbord of healthy foods: yogurt and raspberries, crispbread and tuna salad, cheese, olives and gherkins. It was awesome!

And then...the bachelorette party. I started out great, but the first night there was cheap wine and that always does me in. I had way too much and for some reason I forgot to self-regulate. I hate that--really ALL I have to do is remember! And then to drink some seltzer! I just didn't do it and I became a human vacuum cleaner. So I ate a nice healthy dinner...and then proceeded to eat popcorn, and then just anything I could find. Luckily my friends eat healthy food so I mostly pigged out on blue corn chips and the veggies from a pasta salad (with a one or two tortellinis snuck in there, but I was pretty good).

I woke up feeling ROUGH though. I am 32 (and a half) years old, I need to stop doing this! I hate feeling out of it when I'm with lots of friends, especially strangers.

I ate OK the second day, but had more to drink in the evening. Definitely reined it in a bit; I had my last drink before we went to the last club and only had one with dinner. (A few before leaving the house though, trying to save money.) Today I was fine but had ice cream; we went to lunch at a place called "Popovers on the Square" or something New Englandy like that and I had a bite of popover--it's nice to feel like I can try something but not be a slave to it. I had no desire to eat fried dough or anything of the sort but I did have a bit of ice cream in NY, and today in Portsmouth.

OK sorry to be writing a food diary. But I did want it to be a test, to see how I would do. Honestly, the worst part was lack of exercise. In NYC, I planned it so I had to walk places; a half hour to dinner, back to Penn Station from the hotel, etc. But I think not having two daily dog walks really makes me feel different, maybe even more than the food I eat; and I really did feel a physical need for it. One long walk on the beach was nice.

Tonight I really felt myself craving going back on my regime. I guess that's pretty telling! I made an AWESOME dinner tonight, I'm already feeling back on track. I made a roasted red pepper alfredo sauce, it was really simple but flavorful. Made zucchini ribbons, I thought they made better pasta than the julienned kind although I think it depends on the sauce. With fresh parsley and basil, it was really, really good.

The colors of this meal were so beautiful.

Will definitely be making this again. I probably should have not gone back "on the wagon" with a meal with two kinds of cheese and heavy cream, but oh well. :)

I also made an awesome Greek salad for lunch tomorrow, inspired from a salad I tried at Popover's: it had salami and pepperoncini with tapenade. I chopped kalamatas and added pickled onions. Yum!

I'm not weighing myself again until next week, which I think is good because I'm sure I either was steady or gained back a pound or two this weekend. (Was also a certain time of the month so I was retaining a lot of water.) That doesn't bother me though. It's more that I didn't like the feeling when I was like a human Hoover. But that tends to happen that time of the month as well, so let's chalk it up to that. And remember to pay attention to drinking next time! Maybe a time cutoff?

I still think trying to eat out is kind of fun, and I'm glad I missed my routine (but feel I can be flexible too). I'm looking forward to a calm week, and catching up with Keema!

Goodnight interwebs!

In The Thick of It

So, folks.

I feel pretty gosh darn amazing. I've lost 13 lbs., and counting. My clothes fit again (some of them--even a pair of pants I couldn't wear a month ago--are too big!). I have slow-burning energy all day. I feel hungry at times but don't have hunger pangs or tummy rumbling. I wake up earlier, more naturally. (Part of that is definitely quitting the anxiety meds.)

It's really hard for me not to cry from the rooftops, "Try this way of life! It's easy, delicious, amazing and makes you feel great!" And I have been doing some of that, mostly with people who have already done so and know it's great, i.e. my mom. I'm sure I'm very annoying to a lot of my friends. But they have their own obsessions, and I'm trying to tone it down.

The one thing about this is it doesn't feel gimmicky. Avoiding processed foods and unnatural meats just seems like common sense, and is espoused by people I admire like Mark Bittman and Michael Pollan.

As I said last time I've been reading a lot, and the best book I've found so far is Chris Kresser's "Your Personal Paleo Code." I like it because he recognizes that one kind of diet is not good for everyone. He also acknowledges that we don't need to eat like actual cavemen (I'm a little sick of reading about "Grok"), and eschew all modern food. I cannot give up dairy, and I think I tolerate it well, so I'm not going to! And if I need help losing those last five pounds, or figuring out what foods bother me, I will follow the Whole30. Don't feel a need to do it right now.

I've also had some weird experiences that I feel like no one can understand. Like going to parties and being able to control myself, not even WANTING to have that second drink. Not feeling like I have to inhale everything. Losing my fear of "not enough food." Why do I even have that?

Eggplant "noodles" with bolognese sauce.

One thing that has surprised me is that sweets, pasta and bread have almost been the easiest things to give up. With zucchini (and eggplant) pasta, I haven't missed real pasta, and I love having veggies be the base of my meals (I ate two entire small eggplants last night!). It doesn't taste exactly the same, but it definitely fulfills my psychological need for a steaming bowl of tomato sauce or pesto topped with cheese.
What I do feel more concerned about giving up: legumes. Hummus and peanut butter! I think I will still eat hummus in a pinch, and I hope that sunflower seed butter is really a good substitute, if only for Asian dipping sauce.
I'm also thrilled that I don't have to give up rice. In what I've been reading, it's the best grain, and that white rice is better than brown rice! (Brown rice has more nutrients, but your body has a harder time absorbing them so all in all white is better.) Thank god because I hate brown rice.

I do miss pizza though. I tried making cauliflower crust pizza, it looks good, but it didn't quite do the trick. I bought a recipe for another dough I'll try, with tapioca flour.

I didn't notice that little photobomber at first!

But mostly, I've just been eating really awesome dinners. 

Whole Foods roast chicken with Boursin mashed cauliflower and garlic-sautéed kale.

My next test in making this a lifestyle: I'm going to NYC next week for work, and then straight to a bachelorette party. I'm not too worried about the party, as my friends eat pretty healthy, but I am interested to see what the drinking urges are like. I'm sure I'll be in charge of making cocktails, but I want to stick to one or two for myself. My (not-so-secret) weapon: Seltzer! Makes you feel like you have a drink, you can put citrus and herbs in it, and no one notices you.

As for traveling, I have read a LOT of ridiculous things about eating Paleo on the road (I know I'm not strictly Paleo, but I use a lot of their recipes and read their stuff). Check out this blog entry I just read; this is actually a pretty mild version. I don't think this is very practical! Even "Practical Paleo," an otherwise pretty great cookbook, has you bringing tiny bottles of guacamole and olive oil on an airplane. OK, I would consider making my own trail mix and MAYBE bringing olive oil (heaven forbid THAT spill in your bag), but not a cooler filled with grilled meat! Or opening a can of tuna in a hotel room, ew!

My next blog entry will be about some more reasonable ideas for staying healthy while traveling. Part of that is going to be: relaxing and not freaking out if you eat something not-optimal. As my step-mom says, you can make up for it later!

A Real Plan

So, I've been doing a LOT of reading, investigating...my step mom gave me the Atkins book and I read it cover to cover. Very interesting stuff. I do feel like those books try to manipulate you a bit, but I could imagine Dr. Atkins discovering this stuff and feeling like he had to get the message out. Because I do really believe that it could work--it's already sort of more or less what I'm doing--and my step mom is certainly proof that it does!

But like most diet plans, Atkins wants you to do a first (two week or more) pretty restrictive phase. And I'm just not in the mood to count how many cups of lettuce I eat. I like that he doesn't make you count calories, but there are kind of a lot of rules and I think I've been doing pretty well without them!

One big mistake I made: last night I had a dinner party, and it was great. I made a delicious Chicken Tarragon dish from the NYT; it's not touted as Paleo or Grain Free but just was (except for a little bit of dusting flour, which I could just omit next time), but is and is amazingly delicious. I have to say, that when I was cooking "regular" food, I felt like new recipes I would try would come out well maybe 50% of the time, and the rest of the time they were just meh. But EVERYTHING I've made lately has been awesome! I don't know if I've just been lucky...or grain free food is just amazing. :)

Chicken with shallots, tarragon and cherry tomatoes. Yum! 

(Not the most flattering picture, but it was truly delicious.)

So anyway, back to the mistake: I didn't monitor my drinking. I had bought bread for friends and didn't even feel like eating it, but I wasn't able to resist glasses and glasses of wine being poured for me. Well, turns out without all the bread in my stomach to soak up some of it, I simply cannot drink like I used to. Which is a great thing! But I am suffering a lot from that lesson today. Even a jog and tons of water and Ibuprofen has not fixed it...sigh. I must remember this for next time!

But after all this reading, and experimenting, I have come up with some new guidelines.

Here's what I said a few entries back, pasted again. I want to reread, and make some updates.

My goals for the next few months:
- To lose 30 lbs following these guidelines.
- Make healthy choices for food, don't buy lunch (unless it's from Whole Foods); cook lots of vegetables and responsible meat, grass-fed dairy when possible. No grains, or refined sugar; continue to try new recipes. Occasional treats like popcorn and tabouli are OK.
- Indulge only once in a (great) while in things like takeout and pizza, and eat those things with extra awareness.
- Drink plenty of water all day long, especially when I first wake up.
- Get some exercise. at least one brisk walk every day; remember that I'm exercising not to lose weight (although that will certainly not hurt), but to relieve anxiety and oxygenate my system, etc.
- Try some Pilates again, love the way it made my body look. (Try the 15-min workout every other day.)
- IMPORTANT: Cutting down on alcohol calories. I'm never going to quit drinking, but not allowed to drink alone, and try to stick to a 2-drink max. Going to be tough! BUT I MUST DO IT OR I FEEL LIKE CRAP ON TOAST THE NEXT DAY.

I am not going to follow Atkins, but be a bit more strict than I originally planned with the grain restriction. When I get close to my weight goal, and plateau, I will do a few weeks of Atkins Induction phase. At that point, going back to my "diet" will feel like a treat! But I don't want to go through all the phases right now. I hope I can lose these pounds quickly enough (but not too quickly) with what I've been doing. I think Atkins Induction would make it happen too quickly, and my wise sister Zoe says that will make me more likely to gain it back. It's better to lose slowly.

I'm tempted to write a book with recipes, as searching for recipes I find SO many substitution things. It's kind of nuts. (Hamburger buns made out of cashews! Seriously!) Like Atkins claims that you'll lose all these cravings and temptations as you go on, but then he offers all kinds of "low-carb" substitute products, like tortillas, cookies etc. I guess that helps but I feel like the point is to not want those kinds of foods anymore. Everything I've been eating lately tastes delicious, is filling to the point where it's easy not to overeat, and make me feel great (except for some persistent slight nausea, sigh). I wonder...oh I wonder...if it's really possible that I will not eat pasta all the time again for the rest of my life. Crazy thought!

This was my brunch this morning:

Chef-style salad: lettuce topped with chopped turkey, cheese, hard-boiled egg and avocado, with homemade ranch dressing.

This is the best "diet" I've ever been on! I can eat all the deviled eggs I want this summer!

Two Weeks Tomorrow

I've been told I'm a blog tease. And also that blogging is dying. What to do??! :)

So almost two weeks in. I weighed myself yesterday--funny that I've decided to weigh myself weekly at my therapy session, for some reason they have scales in the bathroom! I find that weird, but since I don't have one, it forces me to weigh in weekly at the same time, which is supposed to be good.

When I first used that scale, it was tipping over 165. I remember because I didn't want to admit it was over 165 (let alone 160! yikes!). Yesterday, I couldn't make it tip 165. I think I've lost about 3 lbs, which is great. (I know you can lose and gain more than that in water, etc., but I think that's considering.) I would like to lose 2 lbs a week. My sister (who is a consummate genius about all things) told me that's the fastest that you can lose weight healthily.

I have, however, been eating the most amazing foods! Some lovelies that I made in the last few days...

The BEST tabouli I have EVER made/tasted. I've made this many times, and it's always...meh. This was sooo good.
I followed this recipe more or less (supposedly from Moosewood Cookbook). It included chickpeas and cucumber, which I've never put in tabouli before. I also added chopped green olives, because I loved tabouli with olives from my days in France (and deliciously bad for you pre-made tabouli, which I'm guessing was made from coucous and not bulgur).
For the first time ever, I used way more parsley than bulgur, which is how it's supposed to be apparently. Oops. I also kept the dressing separate and dressed it right before eating, so it didn't get soggy or go bad quickly. It was so good I called it crack. Added a little feta too!
I think it was also so good because of the delicious Trader Joe's olive oil I bought...it's way better than the last stuff I had.

Tonight, for lunch for the next couple days, I made a chicken salad with avocado, lime juice and cilantro. The creamy part is mayo and greek yogurt. I am eating the whole fat kind because apparently (sorry I keep saying "apparently") you can eat all the fat you want if you quit carbs. At least I'm choosing to believe that. I'm going to eat it wrapped in giant pieces of greenleaf lettuce.

One thing I was not expecting: until a day or two ago, I was feeling nauseous all the time. I would also feel hungry right after eating. I spoke to my mom about this, thinking I might be going crazy. Mom is on a mostly paleo type diet for health reasons, and she told me she had a similar reaction in the beginning. Turns out refined grains are super addictive and make us release happy chemicals in the brain--if you stop eating them you actually go through withdrawal! And your body has to re-learn how to get energy, when you stop giving it the easy sources: pasta and bread. The feelings I've been having even have a name: it's called the "low carb flu"!

I definitely am not giving up carbs forever. I went out for pizza last week at one of my favorite places, and did not regret a single bite. I have to be able to still live, if this is going to be sustainable. One thing I felt good about: I didn't eat the mac and cheese my friends ordered for an appetizer. There will be a time and place for me to splurge on mac and cheese, but it won't be when I'm about to pig out on pizza.

I've been great about drinking. Two beers that night, and the other night after I had hiked for 3 hours (!), I told myself I could have two but I only really wanted one so that's what I had.

I am feeling really good: light and clean. My exercise has been kind of random in nature but daily. I notice a change already. Not huge, but things are happening!

Things just keep comin' up Milhouse, as I say. The other day I went to a weekly appointment only to have the guy at the front desk tell me I've been overpaying my copay every week and have $160 in credit. Free appointments for a good while!

And the best news of the week: TWO Etsy sales in the last two days! Sometimes nothing happens for a while, but then they do...sold two earbud pouches. Better start making some more!

I can honestly say I'm really having an easy and fun time sticking to this health plan. I hate to call it a diet, especially when a meal is a cobb salad with pancetta, avocado, and homemade blue cheese dressing!

A girl I work with is on some kind of prescribed diet, and she said the other day something like "Ooh I get to have a hamburger bun tomorrow!" That's exactly what I never want to be like. If I want something I'll have it. And work out more. Or something. I am not going to let this ruin my life--I'm only trying to make it better!

Early Days

Still doing well, still feeling motivated. I woke up with a bit of a hangover this morning--successfully went to a party without eating too much, but maybe I could have eaten more! Was feeling really anxious, especially when I realized that I had left my debit card in an ATM machine. Also waiting to hear from a landlord on whether or not I get an apartment, and while I want it, it's always scary writing those giant checks. ANYWAY--got up, took Keema for a run to the dog park, and felt a LOT better. We then had a kind of "lazy" Sunday at home, it was fun! Keema was pooped, anyway.

I love when she does this silly droopy face.

I say "lazy" in quotes, because I proceeded to do some major cooking. Made a very mediocre quinoa salad with fried leeks, grated carrots and some dressing--I will punch it up later with cranberries and feta. Then made a chicken/tomato/lime/cilantro soup, which is pretty good with some yogurt mixed in. I might add black beans to beef it up a little, because I'm still feeling kind of hungry.

I then made two green smoothies! I'm set for most lunches and dinners this week already. Woo hoo.

Three stars for today! Ate well, drank lots of water (and no alcohol), and worked out. I am also proud of the cooking prep I did, although I don't think I could have done that much if I had had to do ANYTHING else today. Ha.

I actually did have one more thing to do--make a bag for an Etsy order. I'm very happy with how it came out, and I cut the fabric for two more Dopp kits while I was at it.

All in all, a very healthy and productive day. Yesterday wasn't too bad either--definitely a good eating day, didn't work out because I was sore, but did well at the party (other than a little too much to drink).

The best part--I think the exercise is really helping with my mood. I felt great today, not too tired (yesterday felt exhausted had to take two naps!) and even had to call my ex and that went fine. I had zero bad feelings.

Hope these good feelings can stick around!

Retossed

Rather than start yet ANOTHER blog, I've decided to revamp this one that I started a few years ago. I wanted to write about online dating, but it felt too...mean. I'm sure some of those stories may sneak in here, but my real goal this time is to have an online journal, a place to document my attempt to find a middle ground in personal health. God that sounds so boring.

Chose this blog because the title is still apt. I want my healthy life going forward to be filled with bottomless salads! My favorite food. So many possibilities.

I'm currently at the heaviest I've been in a while, about 165 lbs. It doesn't feel good. I had some tough stuff go down in the last year and it made it hard to get motivated. But I'm ready. And it can't be a "diet"; it has to be something I can sustain, because now that I'm 32, it's only going to get harder to lose weight, stay in shape, etc.

I'm not good at diets anyway. I've lost weight/gotten in shape two major times in my life (dropping up to 40 lbs.) and it was not based on any particular diet. The way I did it was: Eat less. Eat better. Exercise more (though sporadically). The first time I did it I was in high school, still eating my mom's dinners so I couldn't really control everything; I just ate about 1/3 of what I had in the past, and turns out, I wasn't hungry. Sometimes it takes me years to realize, "you know, hey, I don't really feel that good when I eat a whole box of mac and cheese!"

I'm lucky in that I grew up vegetarian (until age 12) and not allowed to eat sugar. I don't have a sweet tooth or crave soda. My vices are salty and carby: pasta, bread, cheese. I don't want to ever tell myself I have to give something up forever, but I'm OK cutting down.

It's just so hard to get started. It's funny because once you do, you feel so good! And it can be self-perpetuating. But you have to be in the right place. Springtime is always good for me--it's warm enough to be outside, things feel springy and lovely and inspiring.

My goals for the next few months: 
- Make healthy choices for food, don't buy lunch (unless it's from Whole Foods); cook mostly vegetarian, avoid carbs (yay cauliflower rice!) and try new recipes;
- Indulge only once in a while in things like takeout and pizza, and eat those things with extra awareness;
- Drink plenty of water all day long, especially when I first wake up;
- Get some exercise. Baby steps. Use my pup Keema as inspiration, she needs exercise too! Trying to jog (slowly) to the dog park every morning that it's not pouring rain;
- Try some Pilates again, love the way it made my body look.
- IMPORTANT: Cutting down on alcohol calories. I'm never going to quit drinking, but not allowed to drink alone, and try to stick to a 2-drink max. Going to be tough!

Spontaneous Beyoncé dance parties on rainy days!

I'm going to be monitoring my progress on these pages, posting some photos or links to what I'm eating, and hopefully including some non-health obsessed stories along the way.

Today I did very well. Jogged for around 30 min with Keema, and ran around dog park with her.

Breakfast: One piece Ezekiel toast w/ butter, and a green smoothie.
Lunch: WF orzo salad over greens, with homemade dijon vinaigrette.
Afternoon snack: Prunes
Dinner: Lots of chickpea/onion/tomato/spinach curry (followed this recipe more or less), with full-fat greek yogurt and cilantro on top. Served over orange cauliflower rice, which was really good! Also felt hungry later and made popcorn with butter.

My yummy veggie curry dinner.

Everything tasted so good! I hope this feeling lasts. I have more energy and feel very optimistic. Hooray! Soon I'll post some pics for the "Before", hopefully there will be an "After"!

Mixed ingredients

I seem to have a knack for things other than putting my foot in my mouth, and the most recent trend seems to be...

...finding all of the elements I want in a man, but spread around in two to three different ones. Combined, in each person respectively, with at least one giant, whopping deal-breaker.

For instance, one man may be handsome, funny, smart, well-traveled, share my interests, and generally be perfect in almost any way I can imagine. OK, perhaps I don't know him well enough to be aware of his faults, but outwardly, he is about all I could ask for.

And yet...the man is actually a boy; he's younger than me. Much younger. Enough that we're living totally different lives, and ready for different things. I mean God, I'm practically ready to have children! (Catch: have to find boyfriend first.) As much as I may try to convince myself that age is just a number, there's that unfortunate feeling of talking to someone and realizing they sound just like you--seven years ago.

Another man may be sexy, bitingly funny (where have I heard that lately?), and make you feel like a million bucks--when you're actually together.

But unfortunately...he's just not boyfriend material. Doesn't call often, isn't really into being with anyone. And while it's nice to live in the moment, and you're really busy too, it's just not enough. And will eventually depress you, because you want something more, and you're not going to get it from him.

Then there's the third kind, who would take you in a minute, worship you and treat you like a queen, and never ever leave you.

But of course, you don't want that. Or you do, of course you do, but not...from him. Luckily I don't have one of this kind in my life right now, but they're always there, waiting in the wings, keeping your self-esteem alive when you're feeling down. I used to count them sometimes, when depressed about the lack of love in my life. How could there be so many, and none of them right?

I'm starting to feel like Liz Lemon. Where and when can I find someone who doesn't have a dealbreaker, ladies???